ARRRRRGHHH I just want to scream, cry and punch someone all that the same time. I didn’t really sleep last night. I’m tired and in this frustrating situation that I can’t control. Yes of course it involves a man, The Navy Engineer.
I met him last night for a walk on the beach, then he suggested we go get a Mövenpick ice cream. After a bit more of a walk he asked if I was keen to get some dinner. I figured I was having fun with him so went with the flow. We headed north to another beach and grabbed some fish and chips and sat out and ate them. While talking we discussed that we had never got around to going to the airport to watch the aeroplanes land and take off. So we stopped to grab a bottle of wine and headed out to watch them. On the way home we stopped off at a house that was covered in Christmas lights – it was amazing, their whole back garden was lit up! So we wandered around the house checking out the display. I was leaning against the fence when he came up behind me and put his arms around me. If I’m honest, my insides melted. I held myself together. He ran his hands over my back and tummy, kissing the back of my head, my cheeks, my ears. Eventually it led to us kissing. He’s an affectionate guy. Throughout the evening he had rubbed my thigh, run his hand through my hair, rubbed my ear lobes… it’s one of the things I really like about him.
The whole afternoon/evening was romantic, flirty and at times tense. We both laid everything out on the table. Told each other how we felt, what we wanted etc. Early on in the day we were both basically yelling at each other. Then by the end it was lovely.
However nothing is resolved. He said he never thought that I would still like him. He thought I would maybe catch up with him or most likely tell him to f*&k off when he text. He says he has feelings for me, as I do for him. But he is organising his life right now. He said he has nothing to offer right now, he needs to get his life sorted as to what he’s doing. Whether he travels or goes back to university. So apparently February 12th is the day when he will have decided everything. This does suit me as I do not want to start something before I go away. I arrive back February 11th.
But still I feel like this clingy psycho. I just want to see him again and spend time with him. I don’t want to tell him that exactly, it may scare him. I did mention I want to see him again before I leave though.
I’m one of those people who needs/wants to know where I stand – I’ve told him this. I know he’s told me how he feels and the reason for his delay, but f*&k! I guess it’s a plan and it is what is best with me going away for six weeks. But I just want him. ARRGGHHHH! I just need to play it cool, I know.
Sorry for the huge Monday morning vent…
EDIT: So since this morning I have changed my mind. I know… aren’t I the most fickle woman you have ever met? My gut was telling me, my family was telling me, my friends were telling me, even my boss was telling me! – He accused me of being in “not my normal bubbly mood” and sent me out with his card to buy coffee and muffins for us, or anything else I need to put a smile on my face – his actual words, sweetie huh? So yep, The Navy Engineer is gone burgers. It just wasn’t feeling right. If he can’t make the decision of whether he wants me or not, it clearly means two things; 1) he doesn’t and 2) he’s got way too much control in this non-relationship for it ever to be on an even keel.